ride_4ever

deputychairman is leading us to special hell inspiring us to heights of creativity by declaring "Paul Gross in handcuffs fanworks" for Paul's birthday today.

I've put three pairings with Paul through the Drabble-Matic (at http://prillalar.com/drabbles/ ), which is like playing Mad Libs in cyberspace, and I included handcuffs in each drabble. Here are the results :

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Paul Gross tripped along thunderously. He was on his way to meet Martha Burns. He smiled to see a fox hopping along, carrying a headboard in its mouth.

Paul Gross was almost on the dining-room table when he came across an enticing cake, lying alone on a cloudy plate. "That must be a treat from my willing bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked aggravated, so he ate it.

It gave him the most watery tingling sensation in his tongue. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Martha Burns.

When Martha Burns came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Paul Gross cried hotly.

"Your ear! And your nose!" Martha Burns said. "They're chained! Can't you feel it?"

Paul Gross felt his ear and his nose. They were indeed quite chained. "Oh, no!" Paul Gross said. "I'm a nomad!" He started to cry. "It must have been that enticing cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Martha Burns said. "I got you a stapler. It must have been that frozen man who lives nearby. He acts a little slyly, ever since he grabbed you in handcuffs."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a nomad?" Paul Gross sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Martha Burns said breathily, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your ear is really gleaming like that."

"Really?" Paul Gross dried his tears. Paul Gross kissed Martha Burns and it was an entirely whipped sensation, open like a stretch of Alberta Badlands.

They spent the night having entirely whipped sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Buddy French stepped wickedly out into the erotic sunshine, and admired Sandra Anderson's neck. "Ah," he sighed, "That's a reluctant sight."

Sandra Anderson climbed off the chalkboard and walked jubilantly across the grass to greet her lover. Buddy French patted Sandra Anderson on the hand and then tried to write her forcefully, but without success.

"That's all right," Sandra Anderson said. "We can try again later."

"I'm just not misty," Buddy French. "Not as misty as the time we wrote in the rainstorm."

Sandra Anderson nodded prudently. "We were rotund back in those days."

"Our teeth were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Buddy French said. "Everything seems accurate and intoxicated when you're young."

"Of course," Sandra Anderson said. "But now we're relentless, we can still have fun. If we go about it wetly."

"Wetly?" Buddy French said . "But how?"

"With this," Sandra Anderson said and held out a frothy license plate. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be handcuffed and ready to write."

Buddy French swallowed the license plate at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to write wetly. They wrote like an ice cream sundae that melted slowly. Three times.

And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.

~*~ ~*~

Benton Fraser paced up and down, jiggling his wrist. His very good friend, Ray Vecchio, had arranged to meet him here under the awning. "I have something ramshackle to tell you," he had said.

Ray Vecchio was late, which was very unlike him. Any moment now, Benton Fraser expected to see him bounce up, his juicy hair streaming behind him and his prudent eyes aglow.

Benton Fraser heard footsteps, but they seemed rather untraceable for a delicate and displaced man like Ray Vecchio, whose tread was erratic. He turned around and found Ray Kowalski staring at him.

"What are you doing here?" Ray Kowalski said gleefully. Benton Fraser was beginning to wish he hadn't acted so fiercely with handcuffs. "Ray Vecchio asked to meet me here." As he gazed at Ray Kowalski, his ankle began to throb provocatively.

"Oh," Ray Kowalski said, awkwardly. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," Benton Fraser said and caught Ray Kowalski by his throat. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Ray Kowalski said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, like a pair of highly polished Strathconas.

From behind the toothpaste, Ray Vecchio watched with an ardent light in his frozen eyes. He took a list out of his pocket, and checked off "Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski". Then he skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as he had saved the squid from extinction.